Some Friendly Advice
by systrami
Summary: Jaal wants to take his relationship with Sara to the next level. The only question is, how? Maybe his new teammates know a thing or two, because that's what friends are for…right? OneShot. Jaal/F!Ryder & Tempest Crew.


"Liam, do you have a moment?"

"For you Jaal? Always, bro."

"I wish to know how to pleasure Sara sexually."

"…"

"I'm not helping you clean that up."

"Then don't say stuff like that when I'm drinking, damn it!"

"Sara and I have become closer for quite some time now, and I know that humans express romantic feelings by mating, same as angara."

"But… why would you ask _me_?"

"You are my friend."

"Er…"

"And I'm sure you are skilled at pleasing women."

"Whoa, Jaal! Just hold right there before you make this creepy. Well, creepier."

"Ah, my mistake. You are not skilled in pleasing women, then?"

"Hey! I'll have you know that I've never heard any complaints! Just moans and exclamations of ' _oh my god'_."

"Ah, yes. Sara moans when we kiss. Especially when I use my tongue."

" _Okay!_ That's a whole lot of TMI right there and I'm gonna ask you to leave."

* * *

"Heeey Jaal!"

"Peebee. Are you busy?"

"Um, always, but that's okay. We can just talk while I tinker."

"Do you have knowledge of mating with humans?"

"Do I _ever._ Pull up a chair and have a seat."

"There aren't any chairs in here."

"It's a figure of speech."

"Ah, a metaphor. I'm getting acquainted with those."

"Right, so what you need to know is that generally speaking, the sensitive areas are: neck, ears, chest, thighs and hips."

"Okay."

"Are you actually writing this down? That's adorable."

"I wish to remember this so I can make Sara more comfortable."

"Aww, Ryder's so lucky. I mean, look at you, with your height and your muscles and…"

"…"

"I mean… those thighs. Those powerful, ropey thighs..."

"Peebee?"

"Huh?"

"You're mumbling. I can't hear what you're saying."

"Er, I…"

"Are you… are you actually turning bluer? Are you ill?"

"Imfine! Youshouldleavethough."

"Sorry?"

"Bye!"

* * *

"Jaal, can you pass me the coupling?"

"The what?"

"The round metallic thing on the bench over there."

"This one?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"What are you doing, Gil? I thought Kallo didn't allow anymore tampering with the Tempest?"

"Yeah well, what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him, right? Unless someone would tell him, of course."

"Your secret is safe with me."

"Awesome. Was there something you wanted to talk about? I don't see you back here very often."

"I wish to know more about human couplings."

"You're not referring to the part you just handed me, I take it?"

"No."

"Thought as much."

"Is there anything you can tell me?"

"Well… Who exactly are we talking about here?"

"Ryder, of course."

"Which one?"

"Sara."

"Then I can't help you, buddy. Sorry."

"It's alright. No one seems very thrilled to speak about this."

"It's a subject that can make some people uncomfortable, true, but I'm simply inexperienced when it comes to getting down and dirty with the opposite sex."

"Oh. I apologize for my presumptiveness."

"No worries. Let me know in advance when you'll bang. I'll wear my noise cancelling earplugs."

* * *

"Cora, you are an attractive and physically fit human woman. What do you look for in a mate?"

"Are you…are you coming on to me?"

"I don't know what that means."

"Aren't you in a relationship with Ryder?"

"Oh yes, it's going very well. I'm happy!"

"Okay, good."

"Now, back to my question."

"Er, why do you ask?"

"I realized I don't know very much about human females, so I thought I'd ask one."

"Oh, you mean…? Okay."

"Sexual intercourse."

"I figured. Um, well there's always biotics."

"Biotics?"

"Yeah, I mean, not use a lot of it, but it could tickle and you know, arouse."

"I don't have biotics, though."

"Maybe your bioelectricity could work the same way!"

"I suppose… Angara use it when mating with each other. You don't think it could hurt Sara?"

"You never know until you try. Just be careful, you don't want to explain to Lexi why Ryder has burns on her… eh, sensitive parts."

"Speaking from experience?"

"Maybe."

* * *

"Vetra?"

"O-one second!"

"What was that noise? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Come on in!"

"I looked for you on the Nexus, but when I asked SAM he said you stayed here on the Tempest."

"Yeah, I had things to do."

"Exercising?"

"Huh?"

"You seem out of breath."

"Yes, exercising! Of course! You see, it's easier when no one else is on the ship."

"But then you could train out in the cargo bay instead of staying inside this small room."

"It's fine. Was there something you needed?"

"Yes, but I can wait. I wouldn't want to disturb you when you finally found some alone time. I'll leave you be."

"Thanks Jaal!"

"Bye Vetra, I'll see you later."

"…"

"Is he gone?"

"Yeah, just let me close the door."

"I think he suspected something was up. You were acting very weird."

"Shut up. He took me by surprise."

"What do you think he wanted?"

"I have no idea, Scott. Now, where were we?"

"I believe you were taking my underwear off using only your mouth."

"Right!"

* * *

"What you should know about Ryder is that women like her like a man with quads."

"I've heard you mention the term quads several times. What is it?"

"Hehehe. You're alright, kid."

"I'm serious."

"Sure you are. Now, here in Andromeda there aren't any thresher maws, but I think a fiend or an eiroch should work in a pinch."

"Work for what, exactly?"

"Don't give me that! Kill it and present Ryder with the head. She'll be all hot and bothered. It's even better if it's drooping with blood and gore."

"I'll keep it in mind. Thank you Drack."

"No problem, kid. You need all the help you can get."

* * *

"SAM, you are very familiar with Sara."

"Yes, Jaal. I experience everything through her. It is a very intimate relationship."

"Could you tell me what she likes?"

"Asari cuisine is her favorite."

"I knew that already."

"Perhaps you meant her preferences in a more romantic setting?"

"How did you know?"

"I have listened to your conversations with your teammates over the past few days. They all seemed to involve that topic."

"You were eavesdropping?"

"No, of course not. My past experiences indicate that would be considered rude."

"So, about Sara…"

"While I know her very well, my knowledge of human pleasure is limited to a more clinical approach. I suggest you speak with Doctor T'Perro, who is an expert on human anatomy."

"I will. Thank you SAM."

* * *

"Of course you are welcome to look through my dissertations on alien anatomy. Anything in specific you're interested in?"

"Humans."

"I'll upload it to this datapad, give me a few seconds."

"Thank you doctor."

"I'm here to help. Is there any particular reason you wish to know about human anatomy and physiology?"

"I wish to know about erogenous zones."

"I see! Then, in addition to my dissertation I'll forward you these diagrams that a colleague back in the Milky Way drew up for interspecies liaisons."

"Oh. They are very…erm, detailed."

"Yes, they are supposed to cover most, if not all, of humankind's different sexual practices."

"What is that?!"

"I believe that is referred to as formicophilia, which means becoming aroused by insects crawling on your genitalia."

"I…see… Excuse me, Doctor T'Perro."

"Jaal, wait! You forgot the datapad!

* * *

"Hello Jaal, I don't see you up on the bridge very often."

"I don't wish to impose."

"Oh nonsense! We're happy to have you."

"Thank you Suvi."

"Are you alright?"

"I… I wish to – never mind."

"No, come on. You can tell me. Is it about Ryder?"

"Yes."

"You're not breaking up are you?"

"No? We are whole and unbroken?"

"I meant; are you ending your romantic relationship?"

"No! Definitely not. I love her."

"Aww, so it's about the sex then."

"I'm just worried she'll find me… _alien_."

"You _are_ an alien to her. And she to you, yet you don't find her repulsive, do you?"

"She's the most beautiful I have ever seen. Both in body and spirit."

"Then why would she think differently of you?"

"I…"

"Come on, I could tell you a few pointers if you want."

"Why is your eye doing that? Are you having a seizure?"

"No, I'm _winking._ Apparently you need more pointers than I thought."

"Uh, I'm sorry?"

"Never mind, sit down my friend and I'll tell you how to reduce her into an incoherent, moaning mess and cry out your name in pleasure, _if_ you are willing to listen?"

"I'm listening."

"I really wish _I_ weren't listening though."

"Shut it, Kallo. Now Jaal, have you ever heard of the lick-test?"


End file.
